Definitive proof that you can't just 'Snap Out of It'

Exactly one week ago today, unknown to me my boyfriend had arrived in Liverpool where I was running a show in one of my favourite venues and rooms in Liverpool.

He had planned out and was gearing up to surprise me and propose onstage at the end of the show in front of my friends, family and show regulars. 

Of course I was happy and elated, but having been battling with quite a severe bout of depression in the past month, it didn't suddenly end once that ring was on my finger.

Of course I felt very happy but still the underlying darkness of depression was still there.

I wish I could say it all melted away completely and I was able and allowed by my mind to enjoy and feel excitement about the transition in mine and Edds life, sadly this is not a cure all method.

My mind and body have since been through the wars of severe mood swings, from hyperactively planning the big day itself, to having a day I actually couldn't get out of bed.

Stress levels are fairly high now we are talking budgets, plans, and sorting our finances trying to make everything we talk about a reality, while remaining the calm and happiness level we should be feeling isn't an easy task.

We vary between soppy cuddling and talking about the future, to Edd having to cuddle me while I'm upset and miserable. I'm lucky he is pretty understanding and willing to listen to me and how I'm feeling, and is pretty sensitive to my feelings, but then I feel more guilt that he is having to deal with me and my depression when really we should be in our honeymoon engagement phase. 

At a time when we should be feeding each other chocolate strawberries, I'm opting to comfort eat junk food.

When we should be at it like rabbits, my libido is at an all time low (this I feel most guilty about).

When I should be happily planning the event, pinning things to Pinterest, and looking forward to wedding dress appointments, it's hard to get out of bed, unpack my suitcase, or go out to work at shows.

So I take this as definitive proof that depression is something that really cannot be controlled, altered, or brushed aside no matter what amazing and wonderful things that happen within your life. 

This is why rich people suffer, the famous suffer, the successful suffer as no matter what your situation or point in your life still it lingers on to bring you down when you should be feeling your very best.

I shall continue the fight with my own mental health, and hope that when I walk down the aisle, the darkness has gone and I can start my new life with Edd full of enjoyment, joy, and a libido worthy of our honeymoon. 

                                 

Depressions a Bitch, and So Am I

I haven't been to well lately, my depression gets greatly affected by seasonal shifts and this is something I've been aware of for years. Edd is also aware of this and is very sensitive towards helping me through these times.
My life is great right now, I have found the perfect man for me and we are so happy together, I've finally got savings in the bank which is rare for me, I've done some fantastic shows lately, have plenty of exciting things booked in, castings coming my way, got back to the weight I wanted after losing so much over the non stop December.
I should be on top of the world.

I have depression.
It makes no sense, it hits you when you least expect it without any warning or reasoning.
Sometimes situations in life have a great affect when your mental state is already significantly weakened by previous bouts, sometimes you could be having the best time of your life but still it lingers and tries to beat you down.
Generally I try to get on with it, ignore it, talk it through with Edd who is patient and understanding enough to listen and try to help, but other days getting out of bed is hard.
Those days I have to force myself to smile, to eat, shower, leave the house if I have no way of getting out of it. I can't call a producer with the reason "I'm too depressed to face outside" and this is also my job.
Having the extra worry of money wouldn't help and so I carry on.

The smallest things get my down lately, stupid fickle feeble unimportant things that would usually be a mild inconvenience, but to me and others with depression it feel like your soul has been sucked out a tiny bit more and replaced with the blackness depression provides.
I have been open and honest about my depression before, so I think most of my friends and family, and even some people who watch the shows know about the fact I can have my bad days.

Sometimes the stupid things that get to me amuse me in a strange and contradictory way. Yesterday I told Edd about how I was feeling, I laughed at how stupid it was and how it shouldn't have such an effect, not in the grand scheme of things.
After this conversation I took to my facebook, writing a post I believed summed up the strange things depression can do to your brain, as I mentioned before, people know about it and plenty of people I know also suffer the same or similar conditions.

Anyone who actually knows me would know this was pointing out how my strange brain likes to affect me, and that it was also seeing some humor in the situation with the summing up of such a status. Also that facebook isn't very important and is used for flippant comments and isn't to be taken to heart. That what I would have liked to think.

So today when I open my inbox to find this message, from someone I'm not sure I actually know, and who missed the point entirely it shocked me. Mainly because it's a fairly contradictory message in itself, but also at how much this person missed the point of above's flippant and unimportant status.

Firstly, it's boo HOO, not who, bad grammar.
And yes, being someone who reads the news, even writes about such events, gives money to charity, doesn't even eat any animal products, gives to the homeless, and actually does try to help others while being polite towards them, I am perfectly aware that there is injustice in this world.
Injustices that we would all like to be able to change but we all do what we can, we could all do more, we could end wars they mentioned all over the world and use the money that funds such wars to feed those starving and dying people mentioned in the same sentence.
I wasn't aware anyone was paying me pennies for my thoughts, useless or not. But I would like to think I wasn't a bimbo, especially as I'm working towards being a writer and am constantly working on practicing and improving it with such blogs as this one! 
Pretty sure my Genes are what makes me exist, if he meant Jeans it's okay, I bought some new ones yesterday to replace the ones that didn't fit right.
The flesh comment? I don't even know where to begin with that....

But it's the last sentence that gets me, take my prozac (I'm not currently on anti-depressants as I don't like the affect) to make myself happy, aaaand then.....kill myself.
Who knows what those pictures are even about.

I wasn't expecting such a reaction to the post I made, seemingly I'm such a bad person for briefly allowing my depression to do it's usual and get inside my head.
It doesn't matter that just last night, the same day I posted this I gave some money to a guy on my way home from a show, who then told me he'd moved to london only two months before, and this was his first week on the street. I sat and talked to this man in the cold and rain for 40 minutes, all about his life and situation and it really upset me that I couldn't do more to help him, or the countless others that I have given food and money to.  I'm a heartless and selfish bitch.

But this is one of the good guys, they care about the starving and dying people even if they might not go out of their way to actually do anything about it.
Instead they're busy at home sending messages to openly depressed people with helpful advice.
They tell them to Kill Themselves.

Getting heathy to feel happy update two....

So it's been early a month since I posted the original post about joining a gym and eating healthier in the pursuit of happiness, energy, and also to get a bit toned and healthier!

It's been six weeks since I started to go to the gym, and the changes have been noticeable all around, I feel more energetic, usually after a workout so no matter how tired I feel once I've hit the gym I've woken up and feel more perky than if I'd stayed in bed an extra hour.

I still feel more positive and except for maybe the occasional half hour once or twice in that time I haven't felt the usual depression kick in and instead seem to resolve myself to deciding to change things for the better, kick some arse, and not give up.

It hasn't all been easy sailing, I've been keeping track of how many calories I'm burning only to ensure I'm eating enough to level it out and stop my body from freaking out and storing weight but it's been a lot harder than I expected to find enough to eat while not resorting to junk food! 

I'm reading up a lot on healthy eating and exercises so hopefully I'll figure it out and it will get easier with time. But on a vegan diet I shall never give up my carbs!

I've also experienced the odd moment of water retention which goes away after a few days but means you push a little harder worrying that the toning affect is wearing off.

The worse thing recently though would be tearing a stomach muscle during a workout, it's a lot more painful than I expected and it forced me to take it easy at a time I didn't want to but with that happening on the Monday, I was filming with fellow cabaret folk for the upcoming cabariot video the next day, dancing in a club Thursday, and had four shows in one day on the Saturday! 

Luckily after a week I was back to normal and could start to resume where I had left off. 

This photo is after two weeks of working out regularly, my stomach had already started to tone and my body shifting all it's lumps around. 

This is now, after six weeks I've started to develop some muscle, my waist has started to nip in again and the "love handles" are shrinking. 

I'm working on my core, thighs, and arms a lot and seem to be gaining strength, better balance and a better posture. I still have a way to go yet but the change has become noticeable and had many comments from people I've known a long time.

I want to keep my curves so don't worry I'll never get super skinny or muscley, in fact part of the reason was to gain some weight and although my weight goes up and down each day I've gained nearly a stone in weight, from unhealthy underweight 7 stone to nearly hitting 8 stone in only six weeks.

My stamina has improved (not like that, dirty minders..!) but to explain exactly how unhealthy I was before when I started going to the gym a minute and a half of running on the treadmill would lead to a stitch and I would have to stop. After building it up slowly I can now do ten minutes of running without any pains, shortness of breath or stitches at all. It doesn't sound like much I know but for me it is a huge improvement as I've never been able to run without these problems since I was a child! 

I received so many messages, with support or saying how it inspired them so thanks everyone who got in touch, read the previous and this blog post, and for all the kind words over these past few weeks!

Getting healthy to feel happy....

I haven't posted for a while, for which I apologise. I've been going through the wars with depression which three weeks ago really came to a head when all I could do was stay in bed all day, eating nothing but a rather unhealthy mix of Jammie dodgers and chilli Doritos (and yes both of those are vegan..!) but I felt awful for it. I had no energy, I was severely depressed, and I just felt terrible.

Two weeks ago after some long talks and planning with my other half we pushed to make a big change, we joined a gym. 

We started to go along together but then he had to be away and work for a week which would usually lead to me not leaving the house, staying at home alone but instead I got up, made a smoothie and went to the gym for 1-2 hours nearly every day. Already I started to feel more energetic, after only a few days my stomach started to tone, my boobs became more pert and to my delight after worrying about recent butt sagginess, my butt actually lifted...! 

But the change that really were the results I wanted? I felt more positive, I felt active and like I was actually taking care of myself properly for the first time in a long time. 

As well as exercising which I'm now doing between 4-5 times a week at the gym, on those days my energy has been sapped too much or my body needs a gym break I still exercise at home by doing squats, lunges, push ups, crunches, and so on, I'm also making sure that I'm eating and drinking right.

Before I head out to the gym I'll make a super healthy smoothie and drink before and during my work outs. I invested all of £20 in a blender and headed to my local green grocers for fruit and veg. It's been fun trying out different variations, my SO always wants some too if he's coming with me or not, and they make amazing hangover cures...!

I've made so many different types but this one is my favourite and I tweak it every now and then so I shall do a first on here, I shall give you a recipe.

This smoothie contains a handful of blueberries, great for antioxidant properties, 6 frozen strawberries which cools down the smoothie as well as add some amazing flavour (and on a side note, strawberries whiten teeth, after two weeks or having them nearly every day I'm surprised to say it actually works!), blackberries, raspberries, frozen grapes, kale which may sound gross but in smoothie form you can't taste it at all so I use a handful in every batch. It's basically spinach plus and gives so much energy, and now most supermarkets sell it in bags for only £1! As well as the fruit and veg I add a teaspoon full of a flaxseed, sunflower seed, goji bean and more powder which is full of protein and can be added to a lot, I even throw it on top of salads and potatoes. 

For extra refreshment sometimes I will add some mint leaves too, between the mint and the frozen fruit it is extremely refreshing and really helps to keep the stamina going while working out. 

So as well as smoothies I seem to have a habit of eating a giant salad followed by boiled new potatoes with plenty of butter straight after the gym, the mix of healthy salad leaves followed by a plate of tasty carbs seems to be what my body cries out for after a workout, thank god it's just so delicious anyway! 

After only two weeks there's the health benefits, the visible toning in places, the renewed energy but the main outcome is that I feel happier, people have mentioned lately that I seem happier, I talk more in a positive spin rather than focus on the negative and although my conversations may be in more of a gym geeking out I feel better in conversations as I have something nice to say rather than trying to hide any depression I may be suffering. 

For me this wasn't about losing weight, I'm actually hoping it will help me to gain some as I've previously been underweight in recent years which lead to scary chest pains and a worse mental state. I'm happy to have toned up and hope that I can some more over time but to feel positive again, to feel like I'm achieving on my days off rather than hiding away, and so many many other benefits I'm already feeling it has been completely worth every second. 

That is after only two weeks of working out, I haven't lost any weight from it but my stomach has started to sculpt, but still I won't show my makeup-less face..! 

My secret to hitting the machines longer without counting down the timer has been to add a lot of books onto my ipad to read on some of the machines, so it's lead to me actually reading more too. 

So there you have it, being healthier and actually looking after myself has the most benefit on my mind than anything else. I shall keep it up and update at some point along the line, but now I only have one more thing I need to do health wise...

I need to quit smoking. 

Coming out to say I'd prefer to stay in....

Yes it's a big secret, well to anyone who sees me onstage probably anyways, but I am an introvert....

I've always been the socially awkward girl at parties, sat in groups, trying to have conversations with people I don't know well enough yet. 

I am no good at small talk, it takes me a long time to get to know people, and more than a handful have admitted to me they thought I was rude or didn't like them when they first met me. Gladly the ones who stuck around got to know me well enough to know that it isn't a personal thing, I rarely click with people instantly and though I work hard to try to fit in and make friends that is exactly how it feels, hard work. 

I never know what to say and even times when I do I find I get talked over, I can't add to conversations because I'm not bold enough and worry what I say isn't important, and usually find myself withdrawing, smiling politely, and waiting till I can just go home again. 

Some days are worse than others, some days I can't bear to leave the house as interacting seems too daunting, I'm writing this due to having one of those days today. I get lonely because the friends I have clicked with live far away and I haven't been as able to click with new people although I do try. 

I have few friends and friendships that have lasted, I hold these friends dearly but I also hold grudges so when I make plans or want to see someone only for them to be cancelled I start withdrawing myself away from them which is sad but I can't seem to help it, I feel betrayed, unimportant, unworthy. 

I try to act more like an extrovert but I find this easier to do with people I don't know so well, I have great nights out with people I've only just met but somewhere between meeting someone, and forming a good friendship I start to self doubt, I become shy, I don't say much and this freaks out the vast majority. 

This about sums it up, I can't seem to open my mouth at the right time and rarely do I say the right things. I have no filter, I'm too abrupt, too honest and offend people without meaning to. 

If you're reading this and I have ever done any of those things to you then please know it was not my intention. 

Onstage I can be as comical, sexy, and daft as I like to be without this being viewed as a weird trait but more a part of the performance but I do sometimes struggle to interact with people backstage or after shows unless I've had a few drinks to calm my nerves, this is why I love whiskey so much! 

I do like to go out, I like to be sociable on occasion, I'd love to have shopping partners, girls to grab cocktails with, and go dancing with friends but I just don't think I am that kind of girl, I don't know if I will ever be. I like sitting at home with my boyfriend who I'm lucky to have, because he understands these traits, won't try to push me out of my comfort zone, and is willing to be patient but I'm sure he doesn't mind that some nights I would rather watch whole series of tv shows, films, play computer games, find interesting things on Pinterest, and write blogs while ordering take away and sharing wine. 

So now I have shared my personal view point, to my fellow introverts, lets all stay in touch...through the medium of the Internet...