Thursday, 29 August 2013

Getting healthy to feel happy....

I haven't posted for a while, for which I apologise. I've been going through the wars with depression which three weeks ago really came to a head when all I could do was stay in bed all day, eating nothing but a rather unhealthy mix of Jammie dodgers and chilli Doritos (and yes both of those are vegan..!) but I felt awful for it. I had no energy, I was severely depressed, and I just felt terrible.
Two weeks ago after some long talks and planning with my other half we pushed to make a big change, we joined a gym. 

We started to go along together but then he had to be away and work for a week which would usually lead to me not leaving the house, staying at home alone but instead I got up, made a smoothie and went to the gym for 1-2 hours nearly every day. Already I started to feel more energetic, after only a few days my stomach started to tone, my boobs became more pert and to my delight after worrying about recent butt sagginess, my butt actually lifted...! 

But the change that really were the results I wanted? I felt more positive, I felt active and like I was actually taking care of myself properly for the first time in a long time. 
As well as exercising which I'm now doing between 4-5 times a week at the gym, on those days my energy has been sapped too much or my body needs a gym break I still exercise at home by doing squats, lunges, push ups, crunches, and so on, I'm also making sure that I'm eating and drinking right.

Before I head out to the gym I'll make a super healthy smoothie and drink before and during my work outs. I invested all of £20 in a blender and headed to my local green grocers for fruit and veg. It's been fun trying out different variations, my SO always wants some too if he's coming with me or not, and they make amazing hangover cures...!
I've made so many different types but this one is my favourite and I tweak it every now and then so I shall do a first on here, I shall give you a recipe.

This smoothie contains a handful of blueberries, great for antioxidant properties, 6 frozen strawberries which cools down the smoothie as well as add some amazing flavour (and on a side note, strawberries whiten teeth, after two weeks or having them nearly every day I'm surprised to say it actually works!), blackberries, raspberries, frozen grapes, kale which may sound gross but in smoothie form you can't taste it at all so I use a handful in every batch. It's basically spinach plus and gives so much energy, and now most supermarkets sell it in bags for only £1! As well as the fruit and veg I add a teaspoon full of a flaxseed, sunflower seed, goji bean and more powder which is full of protein and can be added to a lot, I even throw it on top of salads and potatoes. 
For extra refreshment sometimes I will add some mint leaves too, between the mint and the frozen fruit it is extremely refreshing and really helps to keep the stamina going while working out. 

So as well as smoothies I seem to have a habit of eating a giant salad followed by boiled new potatoes with plenty of butter straight after the gym, the mix of healthy salad leaves followed by a plate of tasty carbs seems to be what my body cries out for after a workout, thank god it's just so delicious anyway! 

After only two weeks there's the health benefits, the visible toning in places, the renewed energy but the main outcome is that I feel happier, people have mentioned lately that I seem happier, I talk more in a positive spin rather than focus on the negative and although my conversations may be in more of a gym geeking out I feel better in conversations as I have something nice to say rather than trying to hide any depression I may be suffering. 

For me this wasn't about losing weight, I'm actually hoping it will help me to gain some as I've previously been underweight in recent years which lead to scary chest pains and a worse mental state. I'm happy to have toned up and hope that I can some more over time but to feel positive again, to feel like I'm achieving on my days off rather than hiding away, and so many many other benefits I'm already feeling it has been completely worth every second. 

That is after only two weeks of working out, I haven't lost any weight from it but my stomach has started to sculpt, but still I won't show my makeup-less face..! 

My secret to hitting the machines longer without counting down the timer has been to add a lot of books onto my ipad to read on some of the machines, so it's lead to me actually reading more too. 

So there you have it, being healthier and actually looking after myself has the most benefit on my mind than anything else. I shall keep it up and update at some point along the line, but now I only have one more thing I need to do health wise...
I need to quit smoking. 

Wednesday, 7 August 2013

Introverts part two....

There were so many things I could have added, examples, more intricate detailing, and so on that I decided to elaborate more on this subject.
Since I published the previous post yesterday I had a stream of comments from fellow people, performers, models, promoters etcetera telling me they feel the same, that they prefer their own company and like to stay involved more in a happy bubble than go sit awkwardly in a large group. 
But I wonder if these people do similar to me, to gravitate towards extroverted people in the hope that it will help you to somehow gain the confidence and ability to talk to others and somehow by osmosis become an extrovert yourself. 
Once you are an introvert it is highly unlikely you will suddenly change, you can't change your personality and I'm sorry to tell you but being an introvert is part of you. But that is a good thing, that is what makes your conversations (once you get into the swing of them) more interesting, deeper, meaningful, that's what makes you loyal and loving to those you care about rather than surround yourself with acquaintances, that's what makes you use your imagination, be thoughtful, seek knowledge. 
I'm not saying by any means that extroverts are less imaginative or thoughtful, but I do know we probably have more time to do these things as people who prefer to stay in to do such things!
I don't long to be an extrovert, but I do long for sharing drinks with friends without feeling awkward, to not dread going to a party if its friends, strangers, or even family, to feel like a loser because you kill time wandering around alone. It would be nice to just feel comfortable in the presence of others rather than freaking out internally while trying to remain calm. 
If you ever see my eyes darting around a lot when in a group, that's me panicking....!
I feel calmer with my partner by my side, someone's hand to hold onto but still there are occasions when it's just too much and I withdraw from everyone, including him, till I get home and calm down a little. I start to worry that people find me weird or don't like me so I feel strange around them and misinterpret everything as them not wanting me around. If I can't get my words out, feel purposefully excluded, I start to feel more awkward. This has happened on so many occasions and I will share one with you. 
A few years ago I tried to become closer friends with a group of girls that I knew, individually I got on with each of them fine and got on well one to one. But we always used to go to the same gigs and pubs etc. I would usually get there before anyone as I would go for the start of the band, so I would grab a table and a drink. Usually these girls would turn up together and get a table somewhere else, tho I may have had spaces for us all. It made me feel so horrible and I started to refuse to go along, I'd get upset over it and felt like they hated me so I haven't stayed in touch since I moved. I still don't understand why they would do this, if they didn't see me, or just didn't actually like me but to exclude me so really knocked my confidence terribly. If I see similar behaviour in others I immediately give up. 
I wonder if fellow introverts experience such behaviour from others, or if it really is just me.
That is why I have added this example in here. 

But I guess I will never change, and neither will the people around me so I have to learn how to cope, to deal with situations, not take things so personally or maybe just figure if that how some act would I really want them around anyway? Answers on a postcard please....! Okay, a comment will do...

Tuesday, 6 August 2013

Coming out to say I'd prefer to stay in....

Yes it's a big secret, well to anyone who sees me onstage probably anyways, but I am an introvert....
I've always been the socially awkward girl at parties, sat in groups, trying to have conversations with people I don't know well enough yet. 
I am no good at small talk, it takes me a long time to get to know people, and more than a handful have admitted to me they thought I was rude or didn't like them when they first met me. Gladly the ones who stuck around got to know me well enough to know that it isn't a personal thing, I rarely click with people instantly and though I work hard to try to fit in and make friends that is exactly how it feels, hard work. 
I never know what to say and even times when I do I find I get talked over, I can't add to conversations because I'm not bold enough and worry what I say isn't important, and usually find myself withdrawing, smiling politely, and waiting till I can just go home again. 
Some days are worse than others, some days I can't bear to leave the house as interacting seems too daunting, I'm writing this due to having one of those days today. I get lonely because the friends I have clicked with live far away and I haven't been as able to click with new people although I do try. 
I have few friends and friendships that have lasted, I hold these friends dearly but I also hold grudges so when I make plans or want to see someone only for them to be cancelled I start withdrawing myself away from them which is sad but I can't seem to help it, I feel betrayed, unimportant, unworthy. 
I try to act more like an extrovert but I find this easier to do with people I don't know so well, I have great nights out with people I've only just met but somewhere between meeting someone, and forming a good friendship I start to self doubt, I become shy, I don't say much and this freaks out the vast majority. 

This about sums it up, I can't seem to open my mouth at the right time and rarely do I say the right things. I have no filter, I'm too abrupt, too honest and offend people without meaning to. 
If you're reading this and I have ever done any of those things to you then please know it was not my intention. 
Onstage I can be as comical, sexy, and daft as I like to be without this being viewed as a weird trait but more a part of the performance but I do sometimes struggle to interact with people backstage or after shows unless I've had a few drinks to calm my nerves, this is why I love whiskey so much! 
I do like to go out, I like to be sociable on occasion, I'd love to have shopping partners, girls to grab cocktails with, and go dancing with friends but I just don't think I am that kind of girl, I don't know if I will ever be. I like sitting at home with my boyfriend who I'm lucky to have, because he understands these traits, won't try to push me out of my comfort zone, and is willing to be patient but I'm sure he doesn't mind that some nights I would rather watch whole series of tv shows, films, play computer games, find interesting things on Pinterest, and write blogs while ordering take away and sharing wine. 
So now I have shared my personal view point, to my fellow introverts, lets all stay in touch...through the medium of the Internet...