Tuesday, 6 August 2013

Coming out to say I'd prefer to stay in....

Yes it's a big secret, well to anyone who sees me onstage probably anyways, but I am an introvert....
I've always been the socially awkward girl at parties, sat in groups, trying to have conversations with people I don't know well enough yet. 
I am no good at small talk, it takes me a long time to get to know people, and more than a handful have admitted to me they thought I was rude or didn't like them when they first met me. Gladly the ones who stuck around got to know me well enough to know that it isn't a personal thing, I rarely click with people instantly and though I work hard to try to fit in and make friends that is exactly how it feels, hard work. 
I never know what to say and even times when I do I find I get talked over, I can't add to conversations because I'm not bold enough and worry what I say isn't important, and usually find myself withdrawing, smiling politely, and waiting till I can just go home again. 
Some days are worse than others, some days I can't bear to leave the house as interacting seems too daunting, I'm writing this due to having one of those days today. I get lonely because the friends I have clicked with live far away and I haven't been as able to click with new people although I do try. 
I have few friends and friendships that have lasted, I hold these friends dearly but I also hold grudges so when I make plans or want to see someone only for them to be cancelled I start withdrawing myself away from them which is sad but I can't seem to help it, I feel betrayed, unimportant, unworthy. 
I try to act more like an extrovert but I find this easier to do with people I don't know so well, I have great nights out with people I've only just met but somewhere between meeting someone, and forming a good friendship I start to self doubt, I become shy, I don't say much and this freaks out the vast majority. 

This about sums it up, I can't seem to open my mouth at the right time and rarely do I say the right things. I have no filter, I'm too abrupt, too honest and offend people without meaning to. 
If you're reading this and I have ever done any of those things to you then please know it was not my intention. 
Onstage I can be as comical, sexy, and daft as I like to be without this being viewed as a weird trait but more a part of the performance but I do sometimes struggle to interact with people backstage or after shows unless I've had a few drinks to calm my nerves, this is why I love whiskey so much! 
I do like to go out, I like to be sociable on occasion, I'd love to have shopping partners, girls to grab cocktails with, and go dancing with friends but I just don't think I am that kind of girl, I don't know if I will ever be. I like sitting at home with my boyfriend who I'm lucky to have, because he understands these traits, won't try to push me out of my comfort zone, and is willing to be patient but I'm sure he doesn't mind that some nights I would rather watch whole series of tv shows, films, play computer games, find interesting things on Pinterest, and write blogs while ordering take away and sharing wine. 
So now I have shared my personal view point, to my fellow introverts, lets all stay in touch...through the medium of the Internet...


  1. You have just put my exact life and feelings into words. Word to word. And I have to admit, every time I see a blog post or anything really that shows that the person who wrote/created that particular piece understands this, I feel a little bit more encouraged and slightly warmed up to the world. Because it's great to know that there are people out there who can relate to this, that I'm not alone and that even the people you admire, look up to and think of as "must be extraverts" can be just like some ordinary girl-next-door. It's only a shame that everyone else doesn't seem to understand that. If we could make the world really understand introverts and/or people who are shy or socially anxious/awkward, the world would be a much better place.
    Thank you for writing that post. And I hope that the "interacting with people is too daunting" days don't outnumber the better ones.

    Paulina x

    1. I think there's more introverts out there then people realise, it's quite a common thing but as most of us like our own space that's probably why we don't realise! I'm glad it's helped even if only a little

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. Again, another refreshing read to relate to. I have the very same issue, more so over the last 5 yrs now I've finally learnt to stop forcing myself into situations that I'm just uncomfortable with, putting my own happiness on the line to try and 'fit in'.

    Took me a long time and lots of 'What the hell is wrong with me??' thoughts before I accepted that this is simply the way I am. I LIKE my own company, my own space and weekends/evenings consisting of nothing more than hammering an entire boxset/Nexflix season, mooching on Pinterest/Ebay, vegging on the sofa with my fiance and reading. I do lead an extremely busy lifestyle and used to think that this is why I enjoyed spending my free time this way however I had to admit that I find most 'normal' social interactions and occasions incredibly stressful and awkward. Weddings, birthday parties etc, even just a meal out with friends sometimes.

    I've had a few people comment that I'm 'boring' and hinted that this way of being could be unhealthy and I do understand the concern to a degree. It can be lonely and - as you said yourself - I love the idea of having a group of girlfriends to shop with, go out for drinks and a natter but I find myself seizing up, sat in the corner smiling politely and feeling like a sore thumb all night.

    I know I can be perceived as dull, boring and rude which breaks my heart a little bit. I am naturally a quiet, private person and don't feel I have a great deal of interesting things to talk about during small talk which always feels so forced. Many of my family and close friends are opinionated and confident which I am truly not. I'd much rather happily blend into the background in most aspects of my life

  4. There is nothing wrong with you. Despite common misconceptions, introverts are actually more confident, self assured and secure.. they just dont need to shout it to the world, display attention seeking behaviours or put on a front because they are comfortable within themselves. An introvert will wait for everyone else to speak before they have their say. In fact.. people who shout the loudest are heard the least. I know who id rather speak to at parties.. You are fine as you are girl.. go forth and be fabulous..x