Coming out to say I'd prefer to stay in....

Yes it's a big secret, well to anyone who sees me onstage probably anyways, but I am an introvert....

I've always been the socially awkward girl at parties, sat in groups, trying to have conversations with people I don't know well enough yet. 

I am no good at small talk, it takes me a long time to get to know people, and more than a handful have admitted to me they thought I was rude or didn't like them when they first met me. Gladly the ones who stuck around got to know me well enough to know that it isn't a personal thing, I rarely click with people instantly and though I work hard to try to fit in and make friends that is exactly how it feels, hard work. 

I never know what to say and even times when I do I find I get talked over, I can't add to conversations because I'm not bold enough and worry what I say isn't important, and usually find myself withdrawing, smiling politely, and waiting till I can just go home again. 

Some days are worse than others, some days I can't bear to leave the house as interacting seems too daunting, I'm writing this due to having one of those days today. I get lonely because the friends I have clicked with live far away and I haven't been as able to click with new people although I do try. 

I have few friends and friendships that have lasted, I hold these friends dearly but I also hold grudges so when I make plans or want to see someone only for them to be cancelled I start withdrawing myself away from them which is sad but I can't seem to help it, I feel betrayed, unimportant, unworthy. 

I try to act more like an extrovert but I find this easier to do with people I don't know so well, I have great nights out with people I've only just met but somewhere between meeting someone, and forming a good friendship I start to self doubt, I become shy, I don't say much and this freaks out the vast majority. 

This about sums it up, I can't seem to open my mouth at the right time and rarely do I say the right things. I have no filter, I'm too abrupt, too honest and offend people without meaning to. 

If you're reading this and I have ever done any of those things to you then please know it was not my intention. 

Onstage I can be as comical, sexy, and daft as I like to be without this being viewed as a weird trait but more a part of the performance but I do sometimes struggle to interact with people backstage or after shows unless I've had a few drinks to calm my nerves, this is why I love whiskey so much! 

I do like to go out, I like to be sociable on occasion, I'd love to have shopping partners, girls to grab cocktails with, and go dancing with friends but I just don't think I am that kind of girl, I don't know if I will ever be. I like sitting at home with my boyfriend who I'm lucky to have, because he understands these traits, won't try to push me out of my comfort zone, and is willing to be patient but I'm sure he doesn't mind that some nights I would rather watch whole series of tv shows, films, play computer games, find interesting things on Pinterest, and write blogs while ordering take away and sharing wine. 

So now I have shared my personal view point, to my fellow introverts, lets all stay in touch...through the medium of the Internet...

The worrying mistreatment of women in this day and age.....

Women have always got the short end of the deal for hundreds, thousands, maybe millions of years.

But this year there has been more of an outcry against the mistreatment of women which has made it become more of a socially aware problem. Women are speaking out, confronting those who make lewd comments, striking back at those who use our sex as a power over us. 

The disgusting behaviour seen used towards outspoken female writers and journalists to the point where they are threatened with rape, or worse told they would deserve it is sickening in its manner. Faceless Internet users using comments on articles they disagree with or more likely failed to understand, sending direct tweets to the writers so that their feed is full of threats against them or sexist idiotic comments usually involving sandwiches. (I wonder how many of the men who say such things actually work in a subway, it would explain their obsession) 

So are we not allowed to express our opinion? Why would having one mean we would deserve a terrible crime that can ruin lives? Do male writers get similar threats if their view is disagreed with? 

Using rape as a threat is a way of holding their supposed power over us as they are men, and we are not, who in their right mind would believe that this is an adequate way of expressing their dislike for the women they threaten. I would like to think most who say that wouldn't actually stoop to the low pathetic level a rapist really holds, but even to use it as a threat makes them no better. 

So why is this now a common trend, is it the rise of the Internet making it easy for idiots to make themselves known, or has society really crumbled so badly that these pigs (I no longer want to even refer to them as men, they don't earn that respect to be labelled as intelligent human life) are now multiplying like a wet gremlin? They suit the term gremlins actually if you think of the green scaled creatures that act horribly, I can imagine sunglasses wearing gremlins writing to someone they dislike on twitter with phrases such as "legalize groping, no means yes lolz" while chuckling before running off to cause more mischief. This was an actual tweet sent to Caroline Criado-Parez sent by possibly the dumbest gremlin out there. I added the "lolz" just to highlight the stupidity of the comment, and of the phrase lol.

Just one stupid comment like this causes backlash against the poster, who doesn't seem to take any of the comments on board and instead calls forth his fellow trolls to make such situations elevate. Women shouldn't have to take such abuse, and its terrible that nowadays making your disagreement towards such comments only leads to yet more abuse, worse threats, and more people involving themselves in the tirade of sexist threatening comments. 

So what are we meant to do, just take it..? Ignore it and hope it stops? Or point out that what they are doing is wrong while knowing our protests will fall onto deaf ears? Why within an age when equality is a more viable way of life do we then lose the respect we should hold? 

I refer to equality as only viable in that last sentence as women still are paid less than men in a lot of industries, still seen as the secondary sex in a lot of countries around the world, and that we still have to battle to have any respect in the eyes of the people causing the problem I'm talking about here. 

The last point I shall make I think is probably the most important, that the people using the Internet in such a manner have access to it, a worldwide format which they could use to expand their views and mind, express opinions to millions of people, reach out to different people and cultures yet this is how they chose to use it? These people possibly have smartphones, they may live in places where we expect equality to be something they grew up with, where they would have been taught by their parents and schools to respect each other no matter what yet still this is the manner they choose to represent themselves in for the world to see?

Weight loss adverts follow me everywhere....

There's been a trend lately, one we all see in the run up to summer of magazines declaring their tips on how to get your body bikini ready, lose 5 lbs in one week, cheat yourself slim, detox diets, etc etc which are frankly bad enough and the reason I rarely buy women's magazines.

The only times I do is before a long train ride and I usually regret it quickly when I feel my IQ points dropping alongside my self esteem. 

Why can't I have perfect skin like them? Why do I have bits that wobble when they don't? Oh wait photoshop, of course we don't all walk around with a magical filter that makes us look like these fake emanciated designer dress wearing coat hangers. 

All my photos are photoshopped, big reveal there, no one has perfect skin, bagless eyes, lack of stretch marks even after three/ four kids. Even I have stretch marks despite having no kids, my arse has sagged slightly now I'm reaching my 30's, I do have wrinkles under that make up somewhere. 

But why do I bring all this up? The worrying fact that even scrolling your Facebook feed and twitter feed will show you pictures of grinning celebrities who have millions of pounds, personal trainers, and access to plastic surgeons without blowing a lifetime of savings but somehow lost weight with this cheap easily accessible diet tip! You sit on the Internet and are a girl, your esteem must be low, just click this link and we will make your skinny dreams come true. 

Well, guess what Internet, I am skinny and what's more, I don't like it. 

I've lost weight lately due to stress, working a lot, travelling and not being able to eat as much as I do when I'm at home. This has taken a toll on my stomach meaning its in pain after I eat, I seem to get none of the nutritional value of the rather healthy food I do eat due to it and it has lead to loss of weight, more worry, more stress and a fair amount of pain. Well, that's a diet tip for you...

So I did what we all do secretly, I googled the problem and the only information google had to offer on my rather worrying situation? More diet tips. 

Since when do we take our choices and personal well being from Internet adverts placed before our eyes in a not even discreet manner? The adverts have grown larger and their content more worrying.

Does my 14 year old sister get the same adverts placed on her feed? Does my mother? How about my other friends, family, and fellow performers? 

Burlesque has always been about loving the body beautiful, and I think it does on the most part. It would be nice if that extended out into society some more rather than having ideal shapes.

How about an ideal happiness, an ideal level of just being healthy, there's such a thing as too skinny, there's such a thing as too fat but these are the extremes. Anything in between should be embraced.

Women bitch about each others weights, I'm sure I've done it myself at some point in my life, we all do and know why? Because we are conditioned to do so.

We are shown from a young age that this one certain look, weight and shape is how we should be, eating disorders are a serious problem that more people would care to admit to. I did at a young age starve myself because of my weight, but the puppy fat stayed until it was good and ready but this is all part of growing up. We change, we grow curves, we lose bumps, even our faces may change shape but this is during the age where eating disorders affect girls the worst, when really we need the food, the iron and minerals and vitamins so please let's have a change of pace here. 

Instead of diets, advertising junk food then advertising weight loss techniques lets have some positive messages that you are all fine, just as you are. Nobody's perfect, and that's what makes life perfect.