Definitive proof that you can't just 'Snap Out of It'

Exactly one week ago today, unknown to me my boyfriend had arrived in Liverpool where I was running a show in one of my favourite venues and rooms in Liverpool.

He had planned out and was gearing up to surprise me and propose onstage at the end of the show in front of my friends, family and show regulars. 

Of course I was happy and elated, but having been battling with quite a severe bout of depression in the past month, it didn't suddenly end once that ring was on my finger.

Of course I felt very happy but still the underlying darkness of depression was still there.

I wish I could say it all melted away completely and I was able and allowed by my mind to enjoy and feel excitement about the transition in mine and Edds life, sadly this is not a cure all method.

My mind and body have since been through the wars of severe mood swings, from hyperactively planning the big day itself, to having a day I actually couldn't get out of bed.

Stress levels are fairly high now we are talking budgets, plans, and sorting our finances trying to make everything we talk about a reality, while remaining the calm and happiness level we should be feeling isn't an easy task.

We vary between soppy cuddling and talking about the future, to Edd having to cuddle me while I'm upset and miserable. I'm lucky he is pretty understanding and willing to listen to me and how I'm feeling, and is pretty sensitive to my feelings, but then I feel more guilt that he is having to deal with me and my depression when really we should be in our honeymoon engagement phase. 

At a time when we should be feeding each other chocolate strawberries, I'm opting to comfort eat junk food.

When we should be at it like rabbits, my libido is at an all time low (this I feel most guilty about).

When I should be happily planning the event, pinning things to Pinterest, and looking forward to wedding dress appointments, it's hard to get out of bed, unpack my suitcase, or go out to work at shows.

So I take this as definitive proof that depression is something that really cannot be controlled, altered, or brushed aside no matter what amazing and wonderful things that happen within your life. 

This is why rich people suffer, the famous suffer, the successful suffer as no matter what your situation or point in your life still it lingers on to bring you down when you should be feeling your very best.

I shall continue the fight with my own mental health, and hope that when I walk down the aisle, the darkness has gone and I can start my new life with Edd full of enjoyment, joy, and a libido worthy of our honeymoon. 

                                 

Depressions a Bitch, and So Am I

I haven't been to well lately, my depression gets greatly affected by seasonal shifts and this is something I've been aware of for years. Edd is also aware of this and is very sensitive towards helping me through these times.
My life is great right now, I have found the perfect man for me and we are so happy together, I've finally got savings in the bank which is rare for me, I've done some fantastic shows lately, have plenty of exciting things booked in, castings coming my way, got back to the weight I wanted after losing so much over the non stop December.
I should be on top of the world.

I have depression.
It makes no sense, it hits you when you least expect it without any warning or reasoning.
Sometimes situations in life have a great affect when your mental state is already significantly weakened by previous bouts, sometimes you could be having the best time of your life but still it lingers and tries to beat you down.
Generally I try to get on with it, ignore it, talk it through with Edd who is patient and understanding enough to listen and try to help, but other days getting out of bed is hard.
Those days I have to force myself to smile, to eat, shower, leave the house if I have no way of getting out of it. I can't call a producer with the reason "I'm too depressed to face outside" and this is also my job.
Having the extra worry of money wouldn't help and so I carry on.

The smallest things get my down lately, stupid fickle feeble unimportant things that would usually be a mild inconvenience, but to me and others with depression it feel like your soul has been sucked out a tiny bit more and replaced with the blackness depression provides.
I have been open and honest about my depression before, so I think most of my friends and family, and even some people who watch the shows know about the fact I can have my bad days.

Sometimes the stupid things that get to me amuse me in a strange and contradictory way. Yesterday I told Edd about how I was feeling, I laughed at how stupid it was and how it shouldn't have such an effect, not in the grand scheme of things.
After this conversation I took to my facebook, writing a post I believed summed up the strange things depression can do to your brain, as I mentioned before, people know about it and plenty of people I know also suffer the same or similar conditions.

Anyone who actually knows me would know this was pointing out how my strange brain likes to affect me, and that it was also seeing some humor in the situation with the summing up of such a status. Also that facebook isn't very important and is used for flippant comments and isn't to be taken to heart. That what I would have liked to think.

So today when I open my inbox to find this message, from someone I'm not sure I actually know, and who missed the point entirely it shocked me. Mainly because it's a fairly contradictory message in itself, but also at how much this person missed the point of above's flippant and unimportant status.

Firstly, it's boo HOO, not who, bad grammar.
And yes, being someone who reads the news, even writes about such events, gives money to charity, doesn't even eat any animal products, gives to the homeless, and actually does try to help others while being polite towards them, I am perfectly aware that there is injustice in this world.
Injustices that we would all like to be able to change but we all do what we can, we could all do more, we could end wars they mentioned all over the world and use the money that funds such wars to feed those starving and dying people mentioned in the same sentence.
I wasn't aware anyone was paying me pennies for my thoughts, useless or not. But I would like to think I wasn't a bimbo, especially as I'm working towards being a writer and am constantly working on practicing and improving it with such blogs as this one! 
Pretty sure my Genes are what makes me exist, if he meant Jeans it's okay, I bought some new ones yesterday to replace the ones that didn't fit right.
The flesh comment? I don't even know where to begin with that....

But it's the last sentence that gets me, take my prozac (I'm not currently on anti-depressants as I don't like the affect) to make myself happy, aaaand then.....kill myself.
Who knows what those pictures are even about.

I wasn't expecting such a reaction to the post I made, seemingly I'm such a bad person for briefly allowing my depression to do it's usual and get inside my head.
It doesn't matter that just last night, the same day I posted this I gave some money to a guy on my way home from a show, who then told me he'd moved to london only two months before, and this was his first week on the street. I sat and talked to this man in the cold and rain for 40 minutes, all about his life and situation and it really upset me that I couldn't do more to help him, or the countless others that I have given food and money to.  I'm a heartless and selfish bitch.

But this is one of the good guys, they care about the starving and dying people even if they might not go out of their way to actually do anything about it.
Instead they're busy at home sending messages to openly depressed people with helpful advice.
They tell them to Kill Themselves.

Introverts part two....

There were so many things I could have added, examples, more intricate detailing, and so on that I decided to elaborate more on this subject.

Since I published the previous post yesterday I had a stream of comments from fellow people, performers, models, promoters etcetera telling me they feel the same, that they prefer their own company and like to stay involved more in a happy bubble than go sit awkwardly in a large group. 

But I wonder if these people do similar to me, to gravitate towards extroverted people in the hope that it will help you to somehow gain the confidence and ability to talk to others and somehow by osmosis become an extrovert yourself. 

Once you are an introvert it is highly unlikely you will suddenly change, you can't change your personality and I'm sorry to tell you but being an introvert is part of you. But that is a good thing, that is what makes your conversations (once you get into the swing of them) more interesting, deeper, meaningful, that's what makes you loyal and loving to those you care about rather than surround yourself with acquaintances, that's what makes you use your imagination, be thoughtful, seek knowledge. 

I'm not saying by any means that extroverts are less imaginative or thoughtful, but I do know we probably have more time to do these things as people who prefer to stay in to do such things!

I don't long to be an extrovert, but I do long for sharing drinks with friends without feeling awkward, to not dread going to a party if its friends, strangers, or even family, to feel like a loser because you kill time wandering around alone. It would be nice to just feel comfortable in the presence of others rather than freaking out internally while trying to remain calm. 

If you ever see my eyes darting around a lot when in a group, that's me panicking....!

I feel calmer with my partner by my side, someone's hand to hold onto but still there are occasions when it's just too much and I withdraw from everyone, including him, till I get home and calm down a little. I start to worry that people find me weird or don't like me so I feel strange around them and misinterpret everything as them not wanting me around. If I can't get my words out, feel purposefully excluded, I start to feel more awkward. This has happened on so many occasions and I will share one with you. 

A few years ago I tried to become closer friends with a group of girls that I knew, individually I got on with each of them fine and got on well one to one. But we always used to go to the same gigs and pubs etc. I would usually get there before anyone as I would go for the start of the band, so I would grab a table and a drink. Usually these girls would turn up together and get a table somewhere else, tho I may have had spaces for us all. It made me feel so horrible and I started to refuse to go along, I'd get upset over it and felt like they hated me so I haven't stayed in touch since I moved. I still don't understand why they would do this, if they didn't see me, or just didn't actually like me but to exclude me so really knocked my confidence terribly. If I see similar behaviour in others I immediately give up. 

I wonder if fellow introverts experience such behaviour from others, or if it really is just me.

That is why I have added this example in here. 

But I guess I will never change, and neither will the people around me so I have to learn how to cope, to deal with situations, not take things so personally or maybe just figure if that how some act would I really want them around anyway? Answers on a postcard please....! Okay, a comment will do...

Coming out to say I'd prefer to stay in....

Yes it's a big secret, well to anyone who sees me onstage probably anyways, but I am an introvert....

I've always been the socially awkward girl at parties, sat in groups, trying to have conversations with people I don't know well enough yet. 

I am no good at small talk, it takes me a long time to get to know people, and more than a handful have admitted to me they thought I was rude or didn't like them when they first met me. Gladly the ones who stuck around got to know me well enough to know that it isn't a personal thing, I rarely click with people instantly and though I work hard to try to fit in and make friends that is exactly how it feels, hard work. 

I never know what to say and even times when I do I find I get talked over, I can't add to conversations because I'm not bold enough and worry what I say isn't important, and usually find myself withdrawing, smiling politely, and waiting till I can just go home again. 

Some days are worse than others, some days I can't bear to leave the house as interacting seems too daunting, I'm writing this due to having one of those days today. I get lonely because the friends I have clicked with live far away and I haven't been as able to click with new people although I do try. 

I have few friends and friendships that have lasted, I hold these friends dearly but I also hold grudges so when I make plans or want to see someone only for them to be cancelled I start withdrawing myself away from them which is sad but I can't seem to help it, I feel betrayed, unimportant, unworthy. 

I try to act more like an extrovert but I find this easier to do with people I don't know so well, I have great nights out with people I've only just met but somewhere between meeting someone, and forming a good friendship I start to self doubt, I become shy, I don't say much and this freaks out the vast majority. 

This about sums it up, I can't seem to open my mouth at the right time and rarely do I say the right things. I have no filter, I'm too abrupt, too honest and offend people without meaning to. 

If you're reading this and I have ever done any of those things to you then please know it was not my intention. 

Onstage I can be as comical, sexy, and daft as I like to be without this being viewed as a weird trait but more a part of the performance but I do sometimes struggle to interact with people backstage or after shows unless I've had a few drinks to calm my nerves, this is why I love whiskey so much! 

I do like to go out, I like to be sociable on occasion, I'd love to have shopping partners, girls to grab cocktails with, and go dancing with friends but I just don't think I am that kind of girl, I don't know if I will ever be. I like sitting at home with my boyfriend who I'm lucky to have, because he understands these traits, won't try to push me out of my comfort zone, and is willing to be patient but I'm sure he doesn't mind that some nights I would rather watch whole series of tv shows, films, play computer games, find interesting things on Pinterest, and write blogs while ordering take away and sharing wine. 

So now I have shared my personal view point, to my fellow introverts, lets all stay in touch...through the medium of the Internet...