A Dirty Way to Clean a Home

I've never been a tidy person, often my flat is a sea of feathers, shoes, discarded clothing, and half drank cups of tea.

My parents didn't have time to be always neat and tidy, chores such as dish washing fell to me and my brother, and we dutifully and disdainfully did so but only while arguing. I'm still terrible at washing dishes but I've gotten pretty good at arguing so I learned at least one lesson there.

As my parents still have little time to themselves to divulge in such things that when, years ago to help make ends meet, I started working as a cleaner while studying at university they became one of my clients, a useful arrangement as hiring a member of your family meant that the usual social stigmata of cleaning up before your cleaner arrived wasn't seen as relevant. Still now I twitch tempted to scrub their cooker when visiting, but I value my hands and would rather avoid that awkward situation.

Now living in London with my boyfriend, who is also a performer, I find less time or energy to unpack and clean, opting instead to order take away and watch countless episodes of 30 Rock. As this is a habit and a pastime we both share the flat can become somewhat unmanageable and lead to our land lady suggesting a cleaner on more than one occasion.

I can understand why, with limited space to walk in our room for suitcases, costumes, and performance equipment, to the pile of dishes, the fruit bowl containing stray onions and packets of crisps, and a bath plug hole filled with various hairs in the other rooms we all share.

                          

In spite of my habits I have tried recently to spring into action, and hope to learn how to become a clean and tidy person, even if this means forcing myself to pour bleach in toilets, get rid of the many things I have accumulated over the years, or even get rid of some clothing and part of my amazing collection of shoes I cannot walk in so are still box fresh.

To know exactly where everything is kept and subscribe to the mantra of a tidy home equals a tidy mind, but the main reason was the offer I received that everyone in the flat seriously considered to a rather worrying degree.

As a performer and sometimes model, I get the occasional email or offer that worry me about the secret fan base I may unknowingly keep.

The latest on my list of offers was for a "maid", a man who longs to scrub my toilet while wearing a French maids outfit, and who longs to straighten up my flat for a small fee. A fee that he would pay to me for the privilege. 

I told my boyfriend who thought we could do with the flat being cleaned by such magical means, my landlady and her son both agreed that it wasn't an offer to refuse. I still subscribe to the idea of having a relatively clean home before allowing anyone indoors, even if it is to clean and also what would I have to do in that situation.

I'm sure I could make a good dominatrix if the desire ever appealed to me, but I would rather sit watching tv while my male maid magically transforms our flat into a somewhat presentable home.

Can a dominatrix be in a onesie and laughing while shouting "Good God, Lemon!" All the while demanding varying levels of food? If so, then sign me up. The flat could do with a good clean.